The Twilight Movie: The Bad, The Sad and The Catherine Hardwicke

by Vee

Despite my taking the time and great pains (literally) to get the gadnambed flu shot, my Halloween weekend was spent in my bed, feverish and forlorn.  Seriously, I was miserable. 

 SO, though the fever cleared by Sunday’s eve, my beloved banned me from joining him as he walked the neighborhood with my two little ghouls, lest I succumb once again to whatever bug was ailing me.  I would have fought it, had I WANTED to go walk around for 2-3 hours in the cold but I didn’t.  Plus I kinda dig it when he tries to take charge and tell me what to do when he thinks he’s taking care of me — so long as I agree with what he tells me to do.  So, I helped them get dressed, cracked their neon colored glows sticks, took the prerequisite 100 photos in different poses and sent them off on their journey down the candy highway.  Then I roamed the house like a snot-filled ghost. 

 I tried to read but, yes this is how sick I was, my brain just wasn’t working! 

 Then I channel surfed from station to station only to find a tragic lack of good Halloween entertainment, by which I don’t mean scary movies cuz I hate them.  I am a huge chicken!  Did you know those movies are filled with scary stuff?

 Finding nothing but Teen Mom re-runs (which I’ve seen already including the reunion with Dr. Drew which was hella good), and no good Bravo shows on, my fingers, acting as if of their own accord, very á lá “Thing” from the Adams Family, did the walking to my movie cabinet, snatched up Twilight: The Movie (which makes Twilight the book look damn near excellent), inserted it into my BluRay playah and away we went on our Halloween adventure to Forks.

 Now, let me say this once and be clear forevermore (not to be confused with Evermore, which my MFEO swears is in fact the worst book series evah and loves it due to this fact)….I LOVE my Twilight books, but really, a little writer’s workshop wouldn’t have hurt in this instance.   So from time to time you will hear me rag on the books fo sho…it’s only fair.  And I am nothing if not 100% level headed, 100% of the time…see?  That in itself is 100% true and accurate about me.  I never let emotion get in my way.  (This will only be funny once you read the rest of the article…it’s my way to keep you here so read on, troops.)

Given that the New Moon and Eclipse movies were way less bad, I completely blame Catherine-fareeking-Hardwicke (the director of the first movie) for messing up Twilight and nearly single handedly setting the rest of the movies up for failure (with some hate going to the screenwriter, Melissa Rosenberg and Summit). Luckily my bros Chris Weitz and David Slade came in and, very Mighty Mousily put together some decent movies which my beloved actually says are “pretty good”.   (Yes, my husband will watch these with me.  Come on now, did I not mention he is the love of my life?  He’ll watch Sleepless in Seattle too, if it’s Valentine’s Day or other such sure-to-get-some-action holiday like Wednesday nights).

So in summary: Katherine Hardwicke is the bitch who stole my pads, Melissa Rosenberg her minion. 

 Harsh?  I know.  But ohhhhh, that first movie could have been so much better.  I cringe when Edward does stupid crap like tell Bella he can read the mind of the dude who is thinking about his cat.  Really? 

So, in honor of my fun, post feverish evening, I shall point out the top 10 scariest things in the Twilight movie…and by scariest I mean totally and utterly wrong and horrible…and flat out stupid.

Just one last thing…before I go rag on the movie, let me just share briefly my top 3 “What I Love’s” of the movie.  Why all the lists, you ask?  Because…lists make the world go round in Crazytown.

 1)      The Kiss – Uhhhh…Sevehn.  There’s a reason why the good folks at MTV handed these two the best kiss award two years in a row.  And it’s not because they deliver stellar acceptance speeches, know what I’m sayin?

Oh, sevehn...

2)      Charlie – Hands down best casting and best acting in the entire movie.  Love me some Charlie.

3)      Bella’s Lullaby – Loved it, perfect song choice, and watching Edward play it on the big screen was swoon worthy.

And, with no further ado….voila…after a little love, here’s the hate…

1)      I’ll start with simple and petty issues which in Crazytown translate to complicated and earth-shattering ones.  Where the flippity-flap-jack is the Volvo?  Are you trying to tell me that Emmett’s foot, much less the rest of him, was going to fit in that tuna can?  Damn near broke my heart.  (This is where I show you exactly how level headed and I am.)

2)      Edward’s wardrobe.  Where in the crow is that gadnabbed khaki, wool sweater that I read about?  The sweater that inspired me to get the one at Macy’s as a Christmas present for my beloved?  (Shh…don’t tell him it’s and Edward sweater.)  Where?  Not in the movie.  Nor were any of the other good looking wardrobe choices.  Evidently movie-Edward doesn’t have a sister named Alice who likes to shop, so he has to wear the same stupid ass charcoal pea coat the entire movie.  And I mean, hello, RP is from London (brrr…foggy, cold), so even if you say, “Well Summit had a very small budget”, I say, “Shut UP”.  They could have asked him to bring his own personal coats over the pond for filming if they were so hard up on money…duh.  Do I have to do everything around here?

3)      Let’s touch on the magical moment when Charlie gifts Bella the red truck.  What the shizzle is she doing?  Is that her acting shocked and excited?  Wow.  Well, ok.  This would be the bullet point where I talk about the use of lip biting and scoffing as a form of acting…if there was an Oscar for lip biting , she would have won it. 

4)      Eric.  Really?  Could we have written anyone more annoying?  Perhaps this is true to who Eric would be had he been a more important character in the book.  I was willing to make peace with this except for one itty bitty part…the part where THERE IS NO BEN FOR ANGELA AND SHE HAS TO END UP WITH LAME ASS BASTARD (i.e. LAB) ERIC.  Poor Angela.  Ben was so way better.  A vampire must have eaten him before the movie started.  Evidently those pesky, non-vegetarian bloodsuckers have been hanging out at the docks.  Oh that reminds me…

5)      Could we have NOT had that totally made up dude at the diner where Charlie and Bella eat every night?  You know — the dude who then gets eaten by James and Co. in the totally made up scene at the docks?  Perhaps had that all been skipped,  we would have had some time for more important, and real, scenes from the book…like the blood typing scene which tells us, oh, nothing of much consequence, except perhaps ABOUT BELLA’S TOTALLY WEIRD AVERSION TO THE SMELL OF BLOOD!?!!!  Or perhaps we might have had more time for banter between Bella and Edward instead of what we had: choppy conversations that were just glimpses of what made us fall in love with the book and what made Edward fall in love with Bella (cuz it sure wasn’t her scoffs and lip biting on a regular basis)…

I need me some Bella home cookin'.

6)      Bullet point number 5 clearly takes me into numbah 6.  What the hell are Bella and Charlie doing at a diner?  Is this, once again, another natural consequence of needing to meet that dude from the diner that gets eaten by the vampires – which actually never in fact took place in the book and changed the story line pretty much altogether?  Because the deal is, I was waiting for Bella to show us nurturing side…her ability to take care of herself and others.  Also, I loved the descriptions of her making food.  I wanted to see it.  Where’s the lasagna?

7)      Two words people: Port Angeles.  I already talked about the cat thing, I am not going to upset my presently delicate disposition again on this matter.  Ok, actually I am… further proof of who stole my pads…in the “commentary on” version of the movie, which I chose to view at some point in the past (for research purposes ONLY, and NOT because I wanted to hear the velvety smooth, accented voice of one Mr. Robert Pattinson), Ms. Pad Stealer herself shares that (hold on to your hats ladies and gents) the add-in about the dude with the cat was her last minute idea.  And she didn’t even say it in a form of an apology, she sounded proud.  Really.

8)      The ride home from Port Angeles.  Edward, hey Edward, having some night vision problems now that your entering into your second century of life?  What’s the matter buddy?  Why the crazy eyes?  Oh, wait, it must be the shock you’re feeling due to the fact that the screenwriter skipped the important and revealing convo that is supposed to be taking place right now.  And thanks to the stellar directing by the pad stealer, you instead are riding home back in your previous agro/confused state – though you were just pretty charming and revealing in the restaurant.  Makes sense!!!!!   

9)      Here’s a tip to movie Edward:  When you take your clumsy, accident prone girlfriend for a ride through the forest, the same girlfriend you worried about when she went shopping with her girlfriends in town, don’t climb up ginormous trees and set her loose!  Overlooking the fact that you’re a vampire and not Spiderman (which we’d already established when you told Bella…”What if I’m not the hero…”), if you’re scaling trees with what seem to be your spidey-sticky hands (what the hizzle?), remember that she’s accident prone, my man!  Hulloh?  Bad idea.  Really.  Something to think about.

10)   OK, two more words:  The Meadow.  This was the single most disappointing thing to me…it wasn’t supposed to be SCARY.  WTF people?!!?!!?

Robert is BOTHERED because he got a crap director!!!

  This was the moment when Edward was sharing something special with someone who had made the cut in his life as a trustworthy person…the ONE human he would share this with, not some chick he was trying to scare off.  Had he thought she was going to run away screaming, why would he tell her about – and more importantly SHOW her – the sparkly vampire trick?  He already knew he loved and trusted her and that she loved HIM!  He wasn’t trying to scare her off, he was saying:  “Let’s go to the meadow, so you can see just exactly the kind of good lookin’ I can be” and it turned into, “I am so bothered about my sparkles…whine, whine, whine.  Bothered! “  Ugh.  What a buzz kill, dude.   (BTW, that’s a little Jimmy Fallon shout out…the “bothered” skits rock!) 

 But like I said, I still love me my Twilight.  I could re-play that first kiss (up until the part where he flies in the air and I go, “Huh?”) over and over again ‘til Alice comes back home from the Amazon (read the books people).

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11 thoughts on “The Twilight Movie: The Bad, The Sad and The Catherine Hardwicke

  1. Vee, that video of the lip biter is actually better than all three of the Twilight movies (although I loved Eclipse, except for Victoria’s Studio 54 wig, obv.). I just found another one on how much she blinks. Will post when feeling meaner.

  2. OMG, I don’t believe how much it took me to find someone that express exactly what I thought of the movie! It’s so hard to defend the books (and explain why you spend so much time reading all four of them) to people who only saw the movie. Now I can just send them a link to this post!

  3. i hated twilight, the movie. and from the beginning, i blamed CH. the worst part of it, i found, was the acting. you’re absolutely right that charlie was the best actor (and jacob’s dad, whose name i can’t remember at the moment). and the bad acting is a direct effect of bad directing. the thing is, i know robert pattinson can act. i’ve seen it, even for the short amount of time he was in harry potter. his performance in this movie was, i believe the word is, cringeworthy. and, thankfully, he has gotten much better in the subsequent movies (i especially loved him in eclipse, although the part where edward & jacob argue in front of bella, a little cringeworthy, but it was a huge step from twilight). everything about the first movie was wrong–the vampire makeup, the clothes, giving rosalie more screen & script time. one of my favorite casting coups was the girl who played angela, totally on point! anyway, i digress. let’s lynch CH! long live chris weitz, david slade & bill condon!

  4. Rayanna — If I can help one person show the light to their peeps as to why the hell we ate up those books and then walked out of the theater wiping our eyes in anger/sadness, I feel self realized. Yay! Send this link out to the masses so they too may understand. Thanks for reading! Vee

  5. Daphne…love the passion sistah! You speak to my crazy. Let me know when you’re ready and I’ll get my pitchfork and torch! 🙂 Vee

  6. …Wasn’t the meadow scene in the book the one in which Bella discovers the Sparkle Skin of Sunnytiems Death, though? How is that wrong? The vampires hide themselves from humans in sunlight because they DO assume humans find their sparklepidermis abhorrent and terrifying (though: …why?) and the meadow was, in the book as well as the film, when Bella discovers that and Edward thinks she’s weird for liking it.

    • RP, totally true: the meadow scene was where Bella discovered how shiny her BF is…it was just not meant to be a terrible, horrible, very bad thing that was meant to scare Bella off with his “skin of a monster” as presented by movie-Edward. In the book it was meant to be a wonderful revelation, a treat – if you will – from book-Edward for his lady whom he now deemed worthy of seeing such utter, sparkly beauty. And my personal opinion, based on the fact that Edward lies there shirtless (is that factual, or just in my head?), with a smile on his face and his eyes closed (anyone else digging the visual???), leads me to believe he KNOWS it’s beautiful. I mean, he has 20/20 vision and then some, he knows he’s gorgeous anyway you slice him, dice him or dazzle-ize him. I don’t think they hide this part of themselves because they think they are hideous and abhorent, they do it because they know it’ll give them away as the unearthly creatures they are. It’s all about the secret…damn Volturi. Thanks for reading RP!

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