Edward Is No Stalkah: My Rebuttal to “Channeling Edward Cullen” (Not Really…)


"OMG, they think I'm a stalkah..." People, he's devastated.

by Vee

Listen up, I don’t care what people say, or even if there is a whole book out there in Twi-land about it (is there?).  Edward was not a stalkah. 
That he was a WAAAAAY too old for his future bride?  True.  (I try not to think about that too much, but thanks to Tee, can’t help it…thanks for pointing that out sistah, thanks so much.) 
That he   was a bit over the top in his absolute love for his whiny bride?  True, true.

"Babe, trust me...you do NOT want to be devastatingly hot like me...just look at me...look at me, I say!" (I LOVE this pic and was looking for the first random excuse to insert it somewhere...hey, at least I'm honest!)

He was even a little annoying when he’d tell Bella that, though she wanted desperately to become one of the undead, he’d rather she die than become totally hot and immortal.  True dat.  Good God, bite her already.

 Tee and I have a fun time bantering on this subject on a semi-frequent basis.  Now, lucky for us we’re not fahreeks…we crazy-pants, fo sho, but in a totally different realm.  We know that this is all in good fun, no one gets all emo or decides it’s time to take it outside, even if one of us passionately counts him as a fav romantical leading man (can you guess who?).  Iz okay to poke fun…we laugh and agree even as we disagree.  Then we laugh some more!  Inspired by the HIGH-larious (and I MEAN that) title of her last post, I wanted to set the record straight, as far as I am concerned. 

So lezzz roll: Point #1OMG, Edward, follows Bella, like, everywhere.

OK, let’s dissect this, shall we?  Yes, he does, he watches her sleep, he sings her songs, he follows her when she goes to outings with her girlfriends (where he saves her from real creeps, ahem).  However, let’s all remember…this girl is more accident prone than I am.  (Side story alert: Most of you don’t know me, but just ask MFEO about that one time when I was pregnant and I took a ride down her stairs on her daughter’s indoor trike thingy – not on purpose…scared her hubby to death!).  So, ok, just being the most accident prone person in the universe isn’t enough.  But here’s the deal-eeo: this is after he already had tried to stay away from her (this most accident prone person in the universe, everrrrrrr) for her own good, and after she was all…”No, dude, don’t go…”.  They are soul mates in a fictional world where this kind of crazy, soul mate, unbearable-like love can exist and where you never get sick of a person, even when they slurp their soup over a decade into your marriage, EVEN when you’ve told them to quit it already.  Wait, what?

OK, as we were.

Point #2:  He breaks her car to control her whereabouts…dude!?!?!?!

Edward takes out some sort of dinglehopper out of her car so she can’t go see Jacob.  Stalker-like?  Perchance.  And this is the closest I’ll ever come to conceding on this point.  However…let’s just say that this was Angela who found out that her homie Bella was going to go see a werewolf, a brand, spankin’ new one who allegedly (according to the standard newbie werewolf norm) doesn’t know how to control his temper yet.  I consider Ang a fictional GF of mine and I think it’s safe for me to hypothesize that she might consider pulling a wire or two.  Hullllooooohhhhh!!!  I mean just look at poor Emily!!!!!  Come on!  It’s not like he’s like, “Bella, I don’t want you to go to the mall.”  It’s like, “Dammit, Bella, do you WANT to get your face ripped off?”

Point #3: OMG, Edward like totally controls Bella, ugh, like uhmahgawd.  It’s like my momma always said: a guy will only go as far as the lady allows…and this doesn’t just apply to playing Parcheezi party people!!!  Men need to be molded and encouraged into the best “them” they can be…they don’t do it by themselves!  (No one call my beloved, he is fully under the impression that he did). 

I am CERTAIN one of these is a prime example of a snafoodle, and that there's a dinglehopper in there somewhere too...

My point, and I do have one, is that if Bella didn’t like it when Edward was saying, “Um, yea, no, you’re not going to go see Jacob,” it was her responsibility to nip it in the bud.

Had my beloved dismantled my snafoodle from my car, I would have LEFT THE WINDOW CLOSED that night…

Had he said, “Um, were you going to ask my permission about something?” (In this scenario my beloved can read minds, ya dig?)  I would have been like, “Um no, I don’t ask for permission from anyone but my dad, but thanks for asking.”


Now, you knew I was going to add at least one more gratuitous pic of Edward and Bella right? And I mean, come on, talk about passion...this is THE kiss.

But, again, let’s get real (as real as I can be in Crazytown)…this is a story about two soul mates that have no “real world” comparison.  This is a story about the love we feel when we first feel it.  A love that continually envelopes your entire being so passionately, that nothing else matters.  It’s not real love, it’s not that deliciously peaceful love that you grow into.  Sigh. 

Now, if you’ll excuse, now that I’ve written this article, I feel a need to go give my beloved a great, big hug, as I’ve been pleasantly reminded that at the end of the day (even if it’s a day when we dine on soup) I always come to realize he is perfectly perfect for me.  Sigh, sigh, sigh.


For better for worse, in sickness and in health, even if you slurp...I do.


14 thoughts on “Edward Is No Stalkah: My Rebuttal to “Channeling Edward Cullen” (Not Really…)

  1. Okay, but he was sneaking in to her bedroom to watch her sleep BEFORE THEY WERE EVEN DATING. That is creepy.

    I agree with #3 in that Bella needed to take more control of the situation, but that still doesn’t justify Edward’s behavior. And, unfortunately, I disagree with you mucho on the other 2 points. Agree to disagree!

    • Jennifer is the voice of reason. This is an ongoing game I play with my pal Vee. I always call her man Edward a stalker, partly because it’s funny but partly because IT’S TOTALLY TRUE! 🙂 I’ve always liked Edward while still maintaining the belief that he’s a creepyville stalker (I mean, the sneaking in the room thing and also in the excerpts from Midnight Sun he’s hiding in the bushes by her house watching her read. Um, hello restraining order!). If it were real life it would be totally weird…but since he’s a vampire and I’m supposed to get past that aspect, I’ll get past the other stuff. Otherwise I think he can be pretty swoony at times. The bigger issue to me has always been that he’s about a billion years old (because looking young doesn’t make it any less pervy Ms. Stephenie Meyers) AND that in his efforts to be “protective” of Bella he’s actually being controlling. The one I really hate is Bella. Don’t even get me started on that one.

      • Says the woman who made me read these stories and fall in love with them. But I love you for it!
        P.S. Yes, if this was a story of say, an incredibly successful business man in the publishing world who was dating a fashion savvy writer or if this were a totally cute lead singer in a high school band who was in love with a super accident prone sophomore and they were doing the same thing, i guess I wouldn’t be on board the crazy train…but he’s a vampire and a world where there are werewolves and shiz…so, I’m going to choose to be ok with it. 🙂

      • Thaz right. Michael Moscovitz would never stalk anyone and that’s why he’s perfect. And Luke Brandon? Don’t even get me started on that sexypants button ripper. But I do think I remember Stephenie Meyers mentioning once or twice that Edward was mildly attractive (am I imagining that?) so I’m all for crushing on cute vampires too.

    • Yay, thank you, yes, Bella needs to straighten out her man! On your other points: totally valid in the real world…I guess where I am right now is that – and I say this with love – this is all utter nonsense — the dude is a vampire — but it’s SUPER fun so let’s have fun with it and let it go. Of course if I had a daughter who was reading this, I MIGHT feel differently…but since I don’t, it’s all fun for me! 😉

      • I’ve read various points of view on this — the stalker, the a pro-abstinence, the co-dependent, but in the end it all comes down to what you’ve said above. It *ISN’T* real. I don’t know where the part about him being the undead marches out the door, leaving this or that coalition to wax poetic about the morality of vamps v. human v. wolf., but I do know that it encapsulates love. And when you’re seventeen, does anything else really matter?

        Another great one, girls!
        Keep ’em coming!

  2. Totally true Annie. As much as I love to tease Vee about these books (which I totally love, despite my hatred for Bella, Jacob and every reference to ochre eyes) they must be the MOST over analyzed books ever! It’s pretty ridiculous. We actually have a funny post about this coming up later. 🙂

  3. Thanks Annie! Once again you have proven to be a YA Crush sister, true blue! I am so glad you’re on my team: “Team This Shiz Is Just For Fun So ENjoy It!!!” Hmm…wonder if I could make that into a t-shirt?

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