Ok, soooo I am about 18 years too old to care about the MTV Movie Awards or find them in any way amusing. That’s like the life of an entire person! Who can vote! Oh my.
Alas, books that turned into movies were nominated. The actors who PLAYED the characters in said movies were there. Someone had to watch this shiz and bring the news back to my people (that’s you — yes I am blaming this on you/using you as my scape goat as to why I am to watch teeny bopper award shows with Justin Bieber in them). It was a sacrifice, but watching scenes from the newest Harry Potter and Breaking Dawn movies was just something I had to endure for you. I hope you appreciate me! Because I had to rewind, rewind, and rewind again, just so that I could get this all just right. But more on the new movie clips to come soon.
I will go through the awards in order of how the events occured for the most part, but to be honest this article really has no plan. Just my observations. At times I’ll talk about what actors or the host said, and it may look like a quote, but I am just paraphrasing, because it’ll be a cold day in my oven on Thanksgiving if I am going to go look up exact quotes for this! And in certain instances, I don’t know the name of some of the actors, because I am just too old to care. So, if this is the case, I suggest you Google it. I promise it’ll come up.
The Host: Jason Sudeikis
The Good – He doesn’t try too hard to “act young”. He acts like himself, and he’s actually quite funny, but he also clearly knows “what up” in the MTV world. So, as far as I could see, it was a good balance. Also nice, he has good rappor with many of the A-list people on the scene, which allows for some funny, easy moments. Example: Clearly he is a good bud of Justin Timberlake (repeat after me: looooove him), so after a few digs in his opening monologue (“You may know me from SNL, or as my family refers to it, ‘The Justin Timberlake Show’“), it was cute and hilarious when Justin (the first presenters of the night along with Mila Kunis) referred to Jason with one simple word: “A**hole.” Hee. That might be offensive to some, to whom I say, this is Justin Timberlake! He can do no wrong.
One of the best moments of the night? When Jason made a joke about Emma Stone’s movie, “Easy A”, during his opening monologue and they pan to her in the audience. Unlike other starlets who just laughed politely – if uncomfortably – Emma went stone faced, but clearly doing so to add to the humor of the moment. That’s when I knew I’d been right about that Emma Stone girl. She is awesome sauce and we should tot’s be friends (call me Emma). Or, I could be like her mom figure and she can call me up for advice (just call me, we’ll figure it out).
The Bad: Jason, could you please cap your Schwarzenegger jokes about illegitimate children at 10? That 12th one…bit of overkill. Yawn. And if I could just ask a favor: leave Maria Schriver out of the punch lines…she’s gone through enough with that LAB she had for a husband. (Aggro much? I know.)
The Ugly: His attempt at a musical moment (a la Hangover when that dude plays made up songs at the piano but which, though terrible, are hilarious) was a failure! The only silver linings were a brief appearance by Foo Fighter lead singer David Grohl hitting the gong for him and Emma Stone, singing briefly with Jason. Other than that it was just lame.
Now that's a bad morning...
Other good host moments: The opening clip had Taylor Lautner doing something he does really well (and I say this despite the fact that he’s a smelly dog that I hate!), which is to play the charismatic straight man to a comedian’s bits. He proved this beautifully on his SNL appearance, and he is always a good sport. And since I’m already on the subject of the opening clip, I might as well complete my thoughts on it and just say that Eva Mendes made me pee mah pants. She wakes up (again, a la Hangover – which I LOVE saying for some reason) with a Team Jacob tattoo all across her cheek. She flips out on Sudeikis and says, “WTH man, I am Team Edward, I’ve ALWAYS been Team Edward!!!!” It was hella funny. But maybe thaz just because I love me some Twilight (this statement however comes to be challenged as the evening progresses).
So on to the awards themselves…
Mila's got all the luck...gorg hair, and gorg co-presenter.
Mila Kunis (who had the best hair of the night) and JT (that’s what I call my man, Justin Timberlake) who were funny and genuine, presented the award for Best Male Performance. For the record, they take my “Funniest Presenters of the Night” award.
Best Male Performance Winner: Robert Pattinson (Edward, moo) for The Twilight Saga: Eclipse.
Now you’d think I’d be all happy pants about this but alas, I was not. I’ll be up all night if I make a list of everyone listed, so I’ll just tell you who SHOULD HAVE won: Daniel Radcliffe (Mr. Harry Potter, of course). Did anyone who texted in their votes watch HP? Serious? I can’t even talk about it. And then of course Mr. Pattinson gives one of those quirky speeches of his and you go…for reals? You’re Edward? Holy crow, indeed. If only he wasn’t so pretty I would have broken up with him straight after this acceptance speech, but alas I did not — what can I say, he looked pretty good, he even looked like he’d washed his hair. His acceptance speech moments progressively got worse, so my decision was not a wise one.
(Silver Lining: At least Taylor Lautner didn’t win.)
Then Steven Spielberg and his peeps from his upcoming movie Super 8 came out and showed us all a clip…and I think me smells a hit! I’m crossing my fingers that this will be my kids’ generation’s Goonies…every generation needs a movie like that!
Now we come to Best Villain, presented by Steve Carell, Emma Stone and Ryan Gosling — who everyone thinks is all yummy pants but I get this sense from him that he knows he’s yummy pants so for me that always cancels any deliciouness associated with any pants, his or anyone else’s. I don’t like it when you think your pants are yummy. If you know, just shut up, pretend you don’t. I’ll let you know if you’re right. So back to best villain, who is tot’s a good one!
Best Villain Winner: Tom Felton (Drako Malfoy) of Harry Potter and the Deathly Hallows Part I (yay!)
Funny thing, though I wanted HP to get at least one win, which (spoiler alert) this was the only one (I know!), but I was just wondering why Aro of Eclipse was not nominated? That would be a nod for Twilight that would have me saying, “OK, yea, that’s about right and it wasn’t just crazy Twi-fans voting 27,000 times.” Sorry, Michael Sheen! Oh, and also, sorry to Voldemort…a note to Ralph Fiennes you rock da house with your creepy snake face. For reals.
And then, guess what? FOOOOOOOOOOO FIGHTEEEEEEEEEEEERRRRRRRRRRRRRSSSSSSSSS, thaz what! Foo Fighters played their newest song, Walk, and were uuuuuuuuh, SO good, of course! Reminded me that I need to add more pennies to my jar because I am tot’s going to be at their next concert! Oh, but before that Jim Carrey came out and did an initially funny bit where he poked fun at presenters who did over the top stuff to get attention when really they are there to spotlight/introduce someone else. He did so while wearing a fancy-high tech green screen suit (yes, you read that right) that switched up different scenes on itself. That alone would have been funny had he chosen some outlandish scenes, maybe snapshots of himself to continue the whole self centered motif? Instead he chose to keep inserting (no pun intended, believe me) a scene of two dogs doing, well, you know, the deed. And as he went back to that scene, it would stay on that for longer and longer periods of time. Now, I promise you, I’m not some huge, uptight prude. I chuckled a bit at the first brief clip of the dogs. Then the clip time kept getting longer and longer and I couldn’t help think of how young many of the kids in the audience were — and those watching. It crossed over to the crass spectrum, for me (this is where people write me hate mail for being and old fogey who can’t take a joke anymore, and that’s ok).
And so we move to the next award presented by some comedians who’s names I just don’t know. Sorry.
Best Jaw Dropping Moment: The winner will make your own jaw drop, but luckily (and my Silver Lining on this one), Justin Beiber did not win this one for Justin Bieber: Never Say Never, Performance Spectacular. Not when you had the likes of James Franco of 127 Hours cuttting off his arm or Steve-O of Jackass 3D bungee jumping INSIDE of a loaded porta-potty. (And the clip of that was – well – jaw dropping, once you finished gagging). But wait, what? Oh, huh, Justin Beiber DID win. Lest I get killed by the Justin Army, I think I am just going to quit while I am ahead on this one.
Then Josh Duhamel (yum), Patrick Dempsey (McYum,Yum), Shia LeBouef and the lucky, lucky girl who is in the new Transformers with them step onto the foggy stage (the fog machine worked overtime that night) and presented the award for…
Best Fight: Robert Pattinson, Bryce Dallas Howard and Xavier Samuels for Eclipse, for the scene when Edward rips Victoria’s head off.
I will admit, this was a strong choice. And that’s all I have to say about that. Ok, that’s a lie. The acceptance speech would have been only too painful, had it been just RP up there, but luckily Bryce and Xavier saved the day with some actual gracious comments to the fans and some of the people involved in making the movie. Thank you, Richie Cunningham, for teaching your daughter how to speak in public. Thank you. And Bryce, BTW, is preggers and couldn’t have looked cuter in her Grecian-style dress. Interesting choice of color, I’d say, but at the end of the day, it worked for me.
After Jason sings on that gadnabbed piano (we’ve already gone over that, thank goodness), came one of the best moments of the night. Ryan Reynolds came out.
Dear me, what a lucky sweater.
Wait, where was I? Right…Ryan Reynolds (sigh) came out with Blake Lively and presented Best Kiss. And, if you watched the MTV Movie Awards in 2009 and 2010, I don’t think you’ll be too surprised with the result.
Best Kiss: Oh yes friends…RP and Kristen Stewart (Edward and Bella) for Eclipse. And ya know…the thing is, if you look at the other nominees, they weren’t all that fantastic. I was kinda surprised by how few “good kisses” occured this year. Nonetheless, I don’t mean to diminish th yummy-delicious-ness of the meadow kiss. They are good at the kissing, those two, so congrats.
It was also nice how Kristen and Robert came up and made the best acceptance speech of the night. OK, no one believes me at this point, so why bother with the sarcasm? OMG, Kristen Stewart. I suggest, I beg, I implore, that you come over one day when my BFF Emma Stone is over for tea (that’s what we’re going to do, Emma and I) and we can talk about what not to do. We’ll work on body language, work on some Pavlovian trick to help you not bite you lip all the time. Trust me, it’ll be great! It’ll be very The King’s Speech, you’ll love it! Also, I think someone needs to ‘splain that a safety pin dress is not only not flattering, but since you wear shiz like that all the time, it has already numbed us to the look…sorry but you don’t look like a rebel.
Silver lining: Taylor Lautner and Kristen Stewart didn’t win for their Eclipse kiss (blech, blech, spit, blech, insert mouthwash, blech!). Team Edward wins, ha! But Robert did run into the audience to go plant one on Taylor and it was HIIIIIGH-larious.
Let us just take a moment and compare...hmmm...
And them Hermione came out (ok, fine, Emma Watson) and I was all…awww, you look so cute with that short hair. Her white dress (she looks great in white) was a little “old” for her, for my taste, buy she made it work. And anyhow, who cares, she came out and showed a clip of the very last, sniff, sniff, Harry, weep, weep, Potter, buahhhhh!, Movie. Sniffle. The clip for Harry Potter and the Deathly Hallows, Part II was totally satisfying and I can see that this movie is going to be worth every single penny I spend seeing it in the movie theater 5 times. Or 12.
“The boy who lived, come to die. AVADA KADAVRA!!!” [Kablaaaam!] Hearing Voldemort pronounce this line just like it appears on the pages of the book followed by the flash of his wand (hence the “kablaaaaam”) was enough to get me a little chokey-choked up. The clip gave me confidence that this final movie is the brilliant culmination of the equally brilliant Harry Potter movies that have come before it. Ahhhhhhhhhhhh! Can’t wait!!!
And thus we arrived to the point of the night when the Generation Award was presented to Ms. Reese Witherspoon. (Love her! Reese, you should call me too…maybe you can help me and Emma with this whole Kristen connundrum.) Patrick Dempsey (McYummmmm), Robert Pattinson and Chelsea Lately said some words before having her come up to accept her award. The video clip in her honor was excellent and hit its mark…I knew pretty much all the movies, but seeing all her hits one after another after another made me stop and think, “Wow, look at this Reese…sistah, you are accomplished!” I did, I said it out loud and my beloved looked at me like I was cray-ZAAAAAAAY!
Patrick Dempsey shared his admiration of Reese in his classy, suave way (nice suede jacket, BTW). And then came Rob. Rob, Rob, Rob. Rob. For starters he pulled out his crumpled notes from his back pocket, which throws you off because Patrick had just finished speaking without any notes. So Rob made reference to his sorry-ass looking piece of paper and Patrick and Chelsea were like, “Dude, use the teleprompter??” Except, and this was funny…under his section for the teleprompter it just said “ad lib”, which he quickly pointed out to the two of them. So I don’t know if something beyond his control happened, in which case I’d like to know so I can send him an apology note for judging him. OR maybe he didn’t get his notes to the intern in charge of typing them into the teleprompter in a timely manner. You decide the most likely of the two theories.
And so he reads off his speech, which included inside jokes with Reese (kind of like a middle schooler making a speech for his best bud who wants to show just how close they are, them and their inside jokes and all) that no one got. At a certain point it was clear that even Reese was trying to figure out what he was referring to. This was followed by his fumbling a joke’s punchline (during her acceptance speech Reese fixed it for him, and then everyone laughed). Robert was so off that it made Chelsea Lately clearly uncomfortable. Now that’s talent. Patrick looked like he wanted the ground to open up and swallow him. I kind of wished the same thing for Rob, just to spare him further embarassment.
FINALLY Reese came up and gave and outstanding acceptance speech. She started by saying that she knew the mystique of “the bad girl” is intriguing but that it’s possible to make it in Hollywood and remain a good girl. That you do not need a reality show to make it in Hollywood. She wanted young girls of America today to know that “in her day”, if you made a sex tape you were so mortified you’d hide it under your bed [not put it on You Tube], and if you took naked pictures of yourself, you’d try to hide your face [not Tweet it]. WOW. I loved her before, and now I am a fan for life. Good for you Reese!
After some other comedy bits which, evidently, were quite forgettable, Jason Segal and Cameron Diaz, looking chic and effortless in a black short/blouse set with a thin black belt, presented…
Best Line From A Movie: Alexys Nycole Sanchez for the line: “I want to get chocolate wasted,” in the movie Grown Ups
She was darling and, obviously her parents prepared her well for her acceptance speech. Perhaps someone should forward them Robert’s parents’ digits, see what they can do to help. And for the record, I want to get chocolate wasted too, Alexys! Good job!
Honorable Mention For Vee: One other nominee who was a worthy opponent, from my BFF’s movie, Easy A:
Amanda Bynes: “There’s a higher power who will judge you for your indecencies.”
Emma Stone: “Tom Cruise?”
Ashton Kutcher, looking very David Grohl-wannabe despite his bow tie, and Nicki Minaj presented Kristen Stewart (are you surprised?) with Best Female Performer. And in this one instance, I have to share who she was up against:
Emma Stone, Easy A
Emma Watson, Harry Potter and the Deathly Hallows: Part 1
Jennifer Aniston, Just Go With It
Natalie Portman, Black Swan
Now, I get, really, that this isn’t the Oscar, but for reals???? Ahhhh! My most heartfelt apologies to Hermione. And well, you know how I feel about Emma Stone. You had two Emma’s to choose from! All you had to do was pick one of them! Instead, you chose the lip biter. Well done America. I don’t even want to talk about the lip biter’s speech. I don’t.
You cooould go with this...
Leyton Meester, Selena Gomez and Katie Cassidy came out and introduced the rapper Lupe Fiasco who offered a solid performance. I bobbed my head a bit as I watched it. But what I really want to talk about is Leyton Meester’s dress! Ack! Was Loehmann’s having a sale on Granny mini-dresses? Worst dressed of the night for me. And that’s taking Kristen Stewart’s safety pin dress into consideration. In contrast you have sweet Katie Cassidy’s fresh crochet-looking white dress which was not my fav but which beffitted her age and the tone of the awards, and one of the two people who I thought were best dressed that night, Selena Gomez. That girl has the best stylist in Hollywood. For the past year I’ve noticed just how incredibly fabu she is dressing. (If you’re curious, my other best dressed is Emma Stone, but I am almost embarassed to say it because I am starting to sound like a stalker.)
...OR this. Tough choice, I know.
Jason Bateman, some other comedian dude I don’t know, and Jason Sudeikis presented…
Best Comedic Award: And the winner is…on your feet, ladies and gents…Emmmmmmmaaaa Stoooooooone, for Easy A. Nuff said.
(Except that her dress and demeanor were perfect.)
Then came the piece de resistance, and the thing many a 13 year old girl across the country asked if they could stay up late to watch, even though they shouldn’t have been allowed to…RPatz, KS and Taylor Lautner came out and introduced, in their own suave way (do we have to go over this anymore?), the Breaking Dawn, Part 1 trailer. Ahhhhhhhhhhh! (What can I say, I am still a suckah for this story.)
In consideration of how inhumanly long I’ve made this article, I’ve written another article with details about this clip (and you knoooow I have details on this!). You can click on this link if you want to read all about it. For those of you who don’t want to go that route, I’ll just say the most important thing about this clip: There. Was. Headboard. Breakage. Thaz right.
Think I just about barfed of joy. And relief.
And truly, as skiddish as I am after three movies that really don’t do justice to the books (Universal, why didn’t YOU buy the rights to Twilight? Forks could right now be in Florida, right next to Hogwarts, and my life would be complete), this did in fact looked pretty good. The wedding scene was just right. Yes, for the first time ever, I am actually saying that a scene from one of those movies looks like the picture I had in my head. And now I feel like I’ve jinxed my chances for a satisfying movie, so I’ll just move on.
Annnnnd finally, best movie. But before I state the obvious, I’d like to give a shot out to the presenter, Gary Busey, who came out in a plastic hamster ball to present the award, which I can only commend him on. I mean, if I had to present this award to the winner, when movies like Harry Potter and Social Network were nominated, I’d have some sort of protection against any rotten tomatoes thrown my way.
I can’t even make it suspenseful, because, guess who won? Yea, I know you know already, but couldn’t you just pretend to be surprised, for my sake?
As much as this hurts...thank you Taylor. Ow.
Best Movie: The Twilight Saga, Eclipse
Once again I’d like to say…what?!?!?! Did they not see that HP was nominated for this one either? Weep. I have no delusions, I know that this isn’t the Oscars, it’s not an awards show where Black Swan is going to win, even when nominated against Eclipse, but really? If the voice of teen America is being represented, and teen America is self-centered enough to pick Eclipse over Harry Potter, I’m kinda worried. Just sayin.
No, I was not kidding.
Silver Lining: No, not the hamster ball. Taylor Lautner gave a very nice acceptance speech, that smelly mutt.
And thus concludes the longest article ever written for YA Crush. Thanks to those of you who stuck through it.