Mondays Bite: Chapters 16-20

by Vee

OMG, party people, so we are more than half way through this read through and, um, ya’ll, this is just killin’ me.  Bella just broke Charlie’s heart, and I knew it was coming, I DID, and yet I cringed and my chest got a little tight and, ack!  Sniffle, I love me some Charlie, I don’t like it when he gets all hurt in the ticker.  Though that is my least fav part of this book, it’s also nice to go back through it.  And, speaking of getting a little broken-hearted, next week will be the last of these re-reads, and then what do I do?  Sigh.  Ah well, for now, we’ll continue enjoying the fun.  Thanks, as ever to Ginger at GReads.  And check out this week’s host, The Reading Housewives of Indiana!

Now for some seriously good questions (well done Yani of The Secret Life of an Avid Reader)!

1. {SERIOUS question} If you where in Carlisle position, do you think you would have been able to fight off your vampiric urges? Would you ever bring someone into that life, as he did with Edward and Esme?

Ahhhhhh!  Too. Hard. To. Answer.  Yeesh, you made me, like, stop and use my brain wrinkles on this one.

Hmmm…I think had I been Carlisle’s age when this happened to him I may have given in into temptation, but if I was who I am now, I would definitely be able to.  And, as I am one who savors and needs others around her, I also think I would do the same when it came to Edward and Esme, and in the same way.  It would have to be someone who was already a goner, otherwise it wouldn’t be much better than eating someone for lunch, would it?

2. {FUN question} We are introduced to Edward’s playful side in these chapters, before he gets all manic about the new vampires, I think we have a better picture of who he is. If you had to describe him in 5 words, what would they be? Good and Bad qualities, whatever you like!

Intense.  Intelligent.  Artistic.  Observant.  Delicious.  Er, I mean, Dashing.

3. {LONG question} While re-reading I have been taking notes: observations that I have come across re-reading and comparisons to the movie. One of my notes deals with page 383, in which Edward screams at Alice there is no other option. The first time around I didn’t get that he meant the future that Alice saw for Bella as a vampire (because we obviously hadn’t gotten to that part), but now that I know the whole story I see that is what he meant… Has this happened to you? Do you have any examples of things that are clearer now or things that you have realized while re-reading?

I think your own observation on Alice and Edward’s exchange stands out for me too.  That’s probably the major thing in this section of the book.

4. {PERSONAL question} We haven’t talked about this yet, but I think the idea of your human gifts amplifying in your vampire life is interesting (Jasper’s control of emotions, Edward’s mind reading), what do you think your gifts would be?

Oooooh, good question!  Ok, let’s see…I think I’ve got this crazy “good/bad intentions” radar and I sense a lot of times when people are coming from a good place.  Much of the time I’m right.  Sooooo…I don’t know what you’d call that super power but that would be mine.  I’d like to be called an “Intents-Radar-Ninja”, please.

Oh, here’s a P.S. on this answer…I was talking to a girlfriend of mine about this and she said I am a swesome ninja mom and I’d be like an Esme (except, I’m hoping, a bit more multi-faceted).  Dude, I totally forgot that, I AM a ninja mom, not that I go around beating up people to protect my kids or that I am just THAT amazing as a mom, but I passionately, happily, fervently love being a mom, not just to my kids but to anyone who will allow me to mother them.  It’s my calling in life, and perhaps part of my Intents-Radar-Ninja self is actually just a part of being a Ninja Mom…so let’s scratch the above and please call me Super Ninja Mom in the future, thank you.

5. {SURVEY question} We are coming to the end of the book, what has been your opinion on this re-read? First, when was the last time you read it? Second, do you feel you like it more, the same, or less this time around?

It had been over 2 years since my last re-read.  When I do re-read this series, I like to do it when the weather turns cool.  It’s definitely the kind of book I like to go through when I need some cozy time with just myself so I can delight in something that’s 100% fun, 0% about making me grow as a human.  I know that sounds like an insult, but honest to goodness it’s not.  What I mean is that this is a form of escape for me and I love it.  I always say that I could never love this book more than I did the second time I read it.  The first time it was a major “wham bam thank you m’am”, and I’d like to apologize to the virgin book I took advantage of.  I just NEEDED to get to the bottom of this story, ahhhhhhh!  It was like Vee-catnip.  The second time around it wasn’t about finding out the facts, it was about savoring the information and noticing all the things I skimmed through in my quest for more, more, more.  So I suppose what I am saying is, the first time I read it like a man (this whole book as my virgin bride comparison is getting kinda gross, sorry), the second time I read it like me.  This time around I am enjoying it because I hadn’t done it in a while and it was a little like coming home.  🙂

And before we bid each other adieu til’ next week’s re-read, I do wish to leave you with my favorite quote of these chapters, as this is such a delicious quote it cannot go unshared:

“He leaned over to kiss the top of my head, and then groaned.  I looked at him, puzzled.

‘You smell so good in the rain,’ he explained.

‘In a good way, or in a bad way?’ I asked cautiously.

He sighed.  ‘Both, always both.’”

WHA?!??!  This is a little sick (on account of the “bad way” being that he wants to eat her as an after school snack and all) but this line KIIIIIIIILLS me every time.  Le. Sigh.

Mondays Bite: Twilight Re-Read Along

Cover of the little known book Twilight. Heard of it?

Whether you love it or hate it, most everyone has read Twilight, the sparkly vamp themed love story penned by the then unknown housewife, Stephenie Meyers.

We are definitely not a part of the Twi-haters camp here— in fact Vee is known to be just a teensy bit crazy when it comes to professing her all-out love for this series.  And though I have some criticisms (and make fun of the characters ALOT), I also totally love these books because they’re fun and enjoyable and because I refuse to over-analyze them like all the other naysayers.

However you feel, there’s no denying that Twilight has opened the floodgates to the world of YA for many young adult fans and without these books, there just might not have been some of the great YA books we have today.  Twilight has gotten people back into reading and showed the world that YA is a genre with a huge, limitless market.

So why all the Twilight talk? Because we’re participating in a re-read hosted by Ginger at GReads! Now, we’re not getting all crazy and like, putting up posters of Edward Cullen or anything, but we are totally excited to read it again and discuss it with our book peeps.  Each week we’ll read 5 chapters and discuss five predetermined questions until the book is finished (again).  Check back with us every Monday to see our progress!

This week: Chapters 1-5

2011 MTV Movie Awards: The Cliff Notes (Longest Cliff Notes Evah)

by Vee

Ok, soooo I am about 18 years too old to care about the MTV Movie Awards or find them in any way amusing.  That’s like the life of an entire person!  Who can vote!  Oh my.

Alas, books that turned into movies were nominated.  The actors who PLAYED the characters in said movies were there.  Someone had to watch this shiz and bring the news back to my people (that’s you — yes I am blaming this on you/using you as my scape goat as to why I am to watch teeny bopper award shows with Justin Bieber in them).  It was a sacrifice, but watching scenes from the newest Harry Potter and Breaking Dawn movies was just something I had to endure for you.  I hope you appreciate me!  Because I had to rewind, rewind, and rewind again, just so that I could get this all just right.  But more on the new movie clips to come soon.

I will go through the awards in order of how the events occured for the most part, but to be honest this article really has no plan.  Just my observations.  At times I’ll talk about what actors or the host said, and it may look like a quote, but I am just paraphrasing, because it’ll be a cold day in my oven on Thanksgiving if I am going to go look up exact quotes for this!  And in certain instances, I don’t know the name of some of the actors, because I am just too old to care.  So, if this is the case, I suggest you Google it.  I promise it’ll come up.

Jason Sudeikis

The Host: Jason Sudeikis

The Good – He doesn’t try too hard to “act young”.  He acts like himself, and he’s actually quite funny, but he also clearly knows “what up” in the MTV world.  So, as far as I could see, it was a good balance.  Also nice, he has good rappor with many of the A-list people on the scene, which allows for some funny, easy moments.  Example: Clearly he is a good bud of Justin Timberlake (repeat after me: looooove him), so after a few digs in his opening monologue (“You may know me from SNL, or as my family refers to it, ‘The Justin Timberlake Show’“), it was cute and hilarious when Justin (the first presenters of the night along with Mila Kunis) referred to Jason with one simple word: “A**hole.”  Hee. That might be offensive to some, to whom I say, this is Justin Timberlake!  He can do no wrong.

One of the best moments of the night?  When Jason made a joke about Emma Stone’s movie, “Easy A”, during his opening monologue and they pan to her in the audience.  Unlike other starlets who just laughed politely – if uncomfortably – Emma went stone faced, but clearly doing so to add to the humor of the moment.  That’s when I knew I’d been right about that Emma Stone girl.  She is awesome sauce and we should tot’s be friends (call me Emma).  Or, I could be like her mom figure and she can call me up for advice (just call me, we’ll figure it out).

The Bad: Jason, could you please cap your Schwarzenegger jokes about illegitimate children at 10?  That 12th one…bit of overkill.  Yawn.  And if I could just ask a favor: leave Maria Schriver out of the punch lines…she’s gone through enough with that LAB she had for a husband.  (Aggro much?  I know.)

The Ugly: His attempt at a musical moment (a la Hangover when that dude plays made up songs at the piano but which, though terrible, are hilarious) was a failure!  The only silver linings were a brief appearance by Foo Fighter lead singer David Grohl hitting the gong for him and Emma Stone, singing briefly with Jason.  Other than that it was just lame.

Now that's a bad morning...

Other good host moments: The opening clip had Taylor Lautner doing something he does really well (and I say this despite the fact that he’s a smelly dog that I hate!), which is to play the charismatic straight man to a comedian’s bits.  He proved this beautifully on his SNL appearance, and he is always a good sport.  And since I’m already on the subject of the opening clip, I might as well complete my thoughts on it and just say that Eva Mendes made me pee mah pants.  She wakes up (again, a la Hangover – which I LOVE saying for some reason) with a Team Jacob tattoo all across her cheek.  She flips out on Sudeikis and says, “WTH man, I am Team Edward, I’ve ALWAYS been Team Edward!!!!”  It was hella funny.  But maybe thaz just because I love me some Twilight (this statement however comes to be challenged as the evening progresses).

So on to the awards themselves…

Mila's got all the luck...gorg hair, and gorg co-presenter.

Mila Kunis (who had the best hair of the night) and JT (that’s what I call my man, Justin Timberlake) who were funny and genuine, presented the award for Best Male Performance.  For the record, they take my “Funniest Presenters of the Night” award.

Best Male Performance Winner: Robert Pattinson (Edward, moo) for The Twilight Saga: Eclipse.

Now you’d think I’d be all happy pants about this but alas, I was not.  I’ll be up all night if I make a list of everyone listed, so I’ll just tell you who SHOULD HAVE won: Daniel Radcliffe (Mr. Harry Potter, of course).  Did anyone who texted in their votes watch HP?  Serious?  I can’t even talk about it.  And then of course Mr. Pattinson gives one of those quirky speeches of his and you go…for reals?  You’re Edward?  Holy crow, indeed.  If only he wasn’t so pretty I would have broken up with him straight after this acceptance speech, but alas I did not — what can I say, he looked pretty good, he even looked like he’d washed his hair.  His acceptance speech moments progressively got worse, so my decision was not a wise one.

(Silver Lining: At least Taylor Lautner didn’t win.)

Then Steven Spielberg and his peeps from his upcoming movie Super 8 came out and showed us all a clip…and I think me smells a hit!  I’m crossing my fingers that this will be my kids’ generation’s Goonies…every generation needs a movie like that!

Now we come to Best Villain, presented by Steve Carell, Emma Stone and Ryan Gosling — who everyone thinks is all yummy pants but I get this sense from him that he knows he’s yummy pants so for me that always cancels any deliciouness associated with any pants, his or anyone else’s.  I don’t like it when you think your pants are yummy.  If you know, just shut up, pretend you don’t.  I’ll let you know if you’re right.  So back to best villain, who is tot’s a good one!

Best Villain Winner: Tom Felton (Drako Malfoy) of Harry Potter and the Deathly Hallows Part I (yay!)

Funny thing, though I wanted HP to get at least one win, which (spoiler alert) this was the only one (I know!), but I was just wondering why Aro of Eclipse was not nominated?  That would be a nod for Twilight that would have me saying, “OK, yea, that’s about right and it wasn’t just crazy Twi-fans voting 27,000 times.”   Sorry, Michael Sheen!  Oh, and also, sorry to Voldemort…a note to Ralph Fiennes you rock da house with your creepy snake face. For reals.

And then, guess what?  FOOOOOOOOOOO FIGHTEEEEEEEEEEEERRRRRRRRRRRRRSSSSSSSSS, thaz what!  Foo Fighters played their newest song, Walk, and were uuuuuuuuh, SO good, of course!  Reminded me that I need to add more pennies to my jar because I am tot’s going to be at their next concert!  Oh, but before that Jim Carrey came out and did an initially funny bit where he poked fun at presenters who did over the top stuff to get attention when really they are there to spotlight/introduce someone else.  He did so while wearing a fancy-high tech green screen suit (yes, you read that right) that switched up different scenes on itself.  That alone would have been funny had he chosen some outlandish scenes, maybe snapshots of himself to continue the whole self centered motif?  Instead he chose to keep inserting (no pun intended, believe me) a scene of two dogs doing, well, you know, the deed.  And as he went back to that scene, it would stay on that for longer and longer periods of time.  Now, I promise you, I’m not some huge, uptight prude.  I chuckled a bit at the first brief clip of the dogs.  Then the clip time kept getting longer and longer and I couldn’t help think of how young many of the kids in the audience were — and those watching.  It crossed over to the crass spectrum, for me (this is where people write me hate mail for being and old fogey who can’t take a joke anymore, and that’s ok).

And so we move to the next award presented by some comedians who’s names I just don’t know.  Sorry.

Really?

Best Jaw Dropping Moment:  The winner will make your own jaw drop, but luckily (and my Silver Lining on this one), Justin Beiber did not win this one for Justin Bieber: Never Say Never, Performance Spectacular.  Not when you had the likes of James Franco of 127 Hours cuttting off his arm or Steve-O of Jackass 3D bungee jumping INSIDE of a loaded porta-potty.  (And the clip of that was – well – jaw dropping, once you finished gagging).  But wait, what?  Oh, huh, Justin Beiber DID win.  Lest I get killed by the Justin Army, I think I am just going to quit while I am ahead on this one.

Then Josh Duhamel (yum), Patrick Dempsey (McYum,Yum), Shia LeBouef and the lucky, lucky girl who is in the new Transformers with them step onto the foggy stage (the fog machine worked overtime that night) and presented the award for…

Best Fight: Robert Pattinson, Bryce Dallas Howard and Xavier Samuels for Eclipse, for the scene when Edward rips Victoria’s head off.

I will admit, this was a strong choice.  And that’s all I have to say about that.  Ok, that’s a lie.  The acceptance speech would have been only too painful, had it been just RP up there, but luckily Bryce and Xavier saved the day with some actual gracious comments to the fans and some of the people involved in making the movie.  Thank you, Richie Cunningham, for teaching your daughter how to speak in public.  Thank you.  And Bryce, BTW, is preggers and couldn’t have looked cuter in her Grecian-style dress.  Interesting choice of color, I’d say, but at the end of the day, it worked for me.

After Jason sings on that gadnabbed piano (we’ve already gone over that, thank goodness), came one of the best moments of the night.  Ryan Reynolds came out.

Sigh.

Dear me, what a lucky sweater.

Wait, where was I?  Right…Ryan Reynolds (sigh) came out with Blake Lively and presented Best Kiss.  And, if you watched the MTV Movie Awards in 2009 and 2010, I don’t think you’ll be too surprised with the result.

Best Kiss: Oh yes friends…RP and Kristen Stewart (Edward and Bella) for Eclipse.  And ya know…the thing is, if you look at the other nominees, they weren’t all that fantastic.  I was kinda surprised by how few “good kisses” occured this year.  Nonetheless, I don’t mean to diminish th yummy-delicious-ness of the meadow kiss.  They are good at the kissing, those two, so congrats.

It was also nice how Kristen and Robert came up and made the best acceptance speech of the night. OK, no one believes me at this point, so why bother with the sarcasm?  OMG, Kristen Stewart.  I suggest, I beg, I implore, that you come over one day when my BFF Emma Stone is over for tea (that’s what we’re going to do, Emma and I) and we can talk about what not to do.  We’ll work on body language, work on some Pavlovian trick to help you not bite you lip all the time.  Trust me, it’ll be great!  It’ll be very The King’s Speech, you’ll love it!  Also, I think someone needs to ‘splain that a safety pin dress is not only not flattering, but since you wear shiz like that all the time, it has already numbed us to the look…sorry but you don’t look like a rebel.

Silver lining: Taylor Lautner and Kristen Stewart didn’t win for their Eclipse kiss (blech, blech, spit, blech, insert mouthwash, blech!).  Team Edward wins, ha!  But Robert did run into the audience to go plant one on Taylor and it was HIIIIIGH-larious.

Let us just take a moment and compare...hmmm...

And them Hermione came out (ok, fine, Emma Watson) and I was all…awww, you look so cute with that short hair.  Her white dress (she looks great in white) was a little “old” for her, for my taste, buy she made it work.  And anyhow, who cares, she came out and showed a clip of the very last, sniff, sniff, Harry, weep, weep, Potter, buahhhhh!, Movie.  Sniffle.  The clip for Harry Potter and the Deathly Hallows, Part II was totally satisfying and I can see that this movie is going to be worth every single penny I spend seeing it in the movie theater 5 times.  Or 12.

The boy who lived, come to die.  AVADA KADAVRA!!!”  [Kablaaaam!] Hearing Voldemort pronounce this line just like it appears on the pages of the book followed by the flash of his wand (hence the “kablaaaaam”) was enough to get me a little chokey-choked up.  The clip gave me confidence that this final movie is the brilliant culmination of the equally brilliant Harry Potter movies that have come before it.  Ahhhhhhhhhhhh!    Can’t wait!!!

And thus we arrived to the point of the night when the Generation Award was presented to Ms. Reese Witherspoon. (Love her!  Reese, you should call me too…maybe you can help me and Emma with this whole Kristen connundrum.)  Patrick Dempsey (McYummmmm), Robert Pattinson and Chelsea Lately said some words before having her come up to accept her award.  The video clip in her honor was excellent and hit its mark…I knew pretty much all the movies, but seeing all her hits one after another after another made me stop and think, “Wow, look at this Reese…sistah, you are accomplished!”  I did, I said it out loud and my beloved looked at me like I was cray-ZAAAAAAAY!

Patrick Dempsey shared his admiration of Reese in his classy, suave way (nice suede jacket, BTW).  And then came Rob.  Rob, Rob, Rob.  Rob.  For starters he pulled out his crumpled notes from his back pocket, which throws you off because Patrick had just finished speaking without any notes.  So Rob made reference to his sorry-ass looking piece of paper and Patrick and Chelsea were like, “Dude, use the teleprompter??”  Except, and this was funny…under his section for the teleprompter it just said “ad lib”, which he quickly pointed out to the two of them.  So I don’t know if something beyond his control happened, in which case I’d like to know so I can send him an apology note for judging him.  OR maybe he didn’t get his notes to the intern in charge of typing them into the teleprompter in a timely manner.  You decide the most likely of the two theories.

And so he reads off his speech, which included inside jokes with Reese (kind of like a middle schooler making a speech for his best bud who wants to show just how close they are, them and their inside jokes and all) that no one got.  At a certain point it was clear that even Reese was trying to figure out what he was referring to.  This was followed by his fumbling a joke’s punchline (during her acceptance speech Reese fixed it for him, and then everyone laughed).  Robert was so off that it made Chelsea Lately clearly uncomfortable.  Now that’s talent.  Patrick looked like he wanted the ground to open up and swallow him.  I kind of wished the same thing for Rob, just to spare him further embarassment.

FINALLY Reese came up and gave and outstanding acceptance speech.  She started by saying that she knew the mystique of “the bad girl” is intriguing but that it’s possible to make it in Hollywood and remain a good girl.  That you do not need a reality show to make it in Hollywood.  She wanted young girls of America today to know that “in her day”, if you made a sex tape you were so mortified you’d hide it under your bed [not put it on You Tube], and if you took naked pictures of yourself, you’d try to hide your face [not Tweet it]. WOW.  I loved her before, and now I am a fan for life.  Good for you Reese!

After some other comedy bits which, evidently, were quite forgettable, Jason Segal and Cameron Diaz, looking chic and effortless in a black short/blouse set with a thin black belt, presented…

Best Line From A Movie: Alexys Nycole Sanchez for the line: “I want to get chocolate wasted,” in the movie Grown Ups

She was darling and, obviously her parents prepared her well for her acceptance speech. Perhaps someone should forward them Robert’s parents’ digits, see what they can do to help.  And for the record, I want to get chocolate wasted too, Alexys!  Good job!

Honorable Mention For Vee: One other nominee who was a worthy opponent, from my BFF’s movie, Easy A:

Amanda Bynes:  “There’s a higher power who will judge you for your indecencies.”

Emma Stone: “Tom Cruise?”

Hee.

Ashton Kutcher, looking very David Grohl-wannabe despite his bow tie, and Nicki Minaj presented Kristen Stewart (are you surprised?) with Best Female Performer.  And in this one instance, I have to share who she was up against:

Emma Stone, Easy A
Emma Watson, Harry Potter and the Deathly Hallows: Part 1
Jennifer Aniston, Just Go With It
Natalie Portman, Black Swan

Now, I get, really, that this isn’t the Oscar, but for reals????   Ahhhh!  My most heartfelt apologies to Hermione.  And well, you know how I feel about Emma Stone.  You had two Emma’s to choose from!  All you had to do was pick one of them!  Instead, you chose the lip biter.  Well done America.  I don’t even want to talk about the lip biter’s speech.  I don’t.

You cooould go with this...

Leyton Meester, Selena Gomez and Katie Cassidy came out and introduced the rapper Lupe Fiasco who offered a solid performance.  I bobbed my head a bit as I watched it.  But what I really want to talk about is Leyton Meester’s dress!  Ack!  Was Loehmann’s having a sale on Granny mini-dresses?  Worst dressed of the night for me.  And that’s taking Kristen Stewart’s safety pin dress into consideration.  In contrast you have sweet Katie Cassidy’s fresh crochet-looking white dress which was not my fav but which beffitted her age and the tone of the awards, and one of the two people who I thought were best dressed that night, Selena Gomez.  That girl has the best stylist in Hollywood.  For the past year I’ve noticed just how incredibly fabu she is dressing.  (If you’re curious, my other best dressed is Emma Stone, but I am almost embarassed to say it because I am starting to sound like a stalker.)

...OR this. Tough choice, I know.

Jason Bateman, some other comedian dude I don’t know, and Jason Sudeikis presented…

Best Comedic Award: And the winner is…on your feet, ladies and gents…Emmmmmmmaaaa Stoooooooone, for Easy A.  Nuff said.

Fabulous!

(Except that her dress and demeanor were perfect.)

Then came the piece de resistance, and the thing many a 13 year old girl across the country asked if they could stay up late to watch, even though they shouldn’t have been allowed to…RPatz, KS and Taylor Lautner came out and introduced, in their own suave way (do we have to go over this anymore?), the Breaking Dawn, Part 1 trailer.  Ahhhhhhhhhhh!  (What can I say, I am still a suckah for this story.)

In consideration of how inhumanly long I’ve made this article, I’ve written another article with details about this clip (and you knoooow I have details on this!).  You can click on this link if you want to read all about it.  For those of you who don’t want to go that route, I’ll just say the most important thing about this clip: There. Was. Headboard. Breakage.  Thaz right.

Think I just about barfed of joy. And relief.

And truly, as skiddish as I am after three movies that really don’t do justice to the books (Universal, why didn’t YOU buy the rights to Twilight?  Forks could right now be in Florida, right next to Hogwarts, and my life would be complete), this did in fact looked pretty good.  The wedding scene was just right.  Yes, for the first time ever, I am actually saying that a scene from one of those movies looks like the picture I had in my head.  And now I feel like I’ve jinxed my chances for a satisfying movie, so I’ll just move on.

Annnnnd finally, best movie.  But before I state the obvious, I’d like to give a shot out to the presenter, Gary Busey, who came out in a plastic hamster ball to present the award, which I can only commend him on.  I mean, if I had to present this award to the winner, when movies like Harry Potter and Social Network were nominated, I’d have some sort of protection against any rotten tomatoes thrown my way.

I can’t even make it suspenseful, because, guess who won?  Yea, I know you know already, but couldn’t you just pretend to be surprised, for my sake?

As much as this hurts...thank you Taylor. Ow.

Best Movie: The Twilight Saga, Eclipse

Once again I’d like to say…what?!?!?!  Did they not see that HP was nominated for this one either?  Weep.  I have no delusions, I know that this isn’t the Oscars, it’s not an awards show where Black Swan is going to win, even when nominated against Eclipse, but really?  If the voice of teen America is being represented, and teen America is self-centered enough to pick Eclipse over Harry Potter, I’m kinda worried.  Just sayin.

No, I was not kidding.

Silver Lining: No, not the hamster ball.  Taylor Lautner gave a very nice acceptance speech, that smelly mutt.

And thus concludes the longest article ever written for YA Crush.  Thanks to those of you who stuck through it.

Suck it, Love Triangles

by Tee

 

 

 

 

Oh 90210, you strung me along with that Brenda, Dylan, Kelly story and to be honest, it still stings.

 

The biggest roadblock to any good love story seems to be the addition of a third wheel. Worrying about who our heroine will end up with is an idea that keeps me turning the pages until the wee hours of morning more often than I can count.  But not all love triangles are created equal.

Vee and I got all scientific about this (cough) and narrowed YA Love Triangles down to five basic categories.  We’ve done this mostly because love triangles simultaneously annoy and enthrall us…but also because it’s a chance to make yet another list (yea!)!!!!!!

1.  True- This is the best kind to read.  Our heroine has to choose between two guys who are completely different, yet good in their own right. As the reader, we know that either choice leaves her heartbroken because of what she stands to lose.  A perfect example of this is Katniss, Peeta and Gale from The Hunger Games. In the end, I felt that the right choice was obvious (though it wasn’t who I would have chosen) but I could have truly seen her with either guy.  I mean…spoiler alert…when the chips are down and the world is ending, I’d prefer Gale—who has some serious survival skills—to someone who can frost the hell out of a cake (sorry Peeta).  But that’s just me.  I still felt bad for Katniss because poor, poor thing had two awesome, hot guys who loved her.  Awww.

2. Impossible- This is when the choice is pretty darn obvious because there’s a road block. Perhaps one of the characters is moving away, or is married, or has a girlfriend.  Think Ashley, Scarlett and Rhett in Gone With the Wind or, more recently, Logan, Aura and Zachary in Shade. Aura loves Logan and would probably choose him, except, you know, he’s dead.  Problem.

3.  Annoying-This is when I just don’t get what the heroine is all confused about.  Clearly one guy is good— or at least acceptable— and the other is just plain annoying.  Why would she even need to make a choice?  Who could even want the other guy?  He’s obnoxious! The example first and foremost in my mind is one of the mostly hotly debated love triangles in recent memory—Edward, Bella and Jacob from Twilight. I’m not saying Edward is perfect,  but I’d really like to rip off Jacob’s face (harsh, I know).  Another example is Calla, Ren and Shay from Nightshade. Shay wasn’t a bad guy, but he followed Calla around like a lost puppy and needy guys= irritating.  In situations such as these, I find it very difficult to relate to the heroine because I can’t understand her dilemma.  Take the good guy and facepunch the annoying one.  End of story.

4.  Bad Boys- Oh we love those naughty ones don’t we?  But seriously, we should never, ever end up with them.  Flirting and maybe even some secret smooching is all well and fine, but that is where it needs to end, Missy!  I’m thinking Bridget Jones, Mark Darcy (swoon) and that Mr. Naughtypants, Daniel Cleaver, from Bridget Jones’ Diary. Truthfully, I understand the attraction (dont’ we all?)  but just say no.

5. Neither-This is one I rarely see, but every so often comes a story with two boys with whom I’d never want my homegirl to be involved.  She’s clearly too good for both of them.  For example, Frankie, Matthew and Alpha in The Disreputable History of Frankie Landau Banks (!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!). Matthew is cute and sweet, but his need to correct Frankie’s grammar, and worse, his odd allegiance to Alpha, made him a definite no for me.  There were great scenes of sexual tension between Frankie and Alpha, but his tendency to be, well, an alpha male,  bossing everyone around and who was totally unnerved by a strong girl, was a serious turn off. Say yes to the single life, baby.  It’s better than both of those guys put together!

So what am I trying to say here?  That I’ve had enough of the love triangles?  Yes.  No.  I’m not sure.  I think what I want is to see more of the love stories where I can’t choose who I’d like the heroine to be with, or where it seems impossible for them to be together—but they keep trying.  And I even enjoy those naughty boys.  But please, no more annoying boys.  No more boys that are so obnoxious that I’m actually angry at the protagonist for being mildly attracted to them (yes Bella, I hate you).  Maybe the real difference is in the protagonists and how they handle it all.

And for the record, Dyaln + Kelly 4 Evah!  Brenda was a a mega beeotch and she kissed Dean Cain in Paris and then came home and got all judgemental.  Pisha!  And also, I can’t believe I ever watched that show and took it seriously.


Edward Is No Stalkah: My Rebuttal to “Channeling Edward Cullen” (Not Really…)

 
 

"OMG, they think I'm a stalkah..." People, he's devastated.

by Vee

Listen up, I don’t care what people say, or even if there is a whole book out there in Twi-land about it (is there?).  Edward was not a stalkah. 
That he was a WAAAAAY too old for his future bride?  True.  (I try not to think about that too much, but thanks to Tee, can’t help it…thanks for pointing that out sistah, thanks so much.) 
That he   was a bit over the top in his absolute love for his whiny bride?  True, true.

"Babe, trust me...you do NOT want to be devastatingly hot like me...just look at me...look at me, I say!" (I LOVE this pic and was looking for the first random excuse to insert it somewhere...hey, at least I'm honest!)

He was even a little annoying when he’d tell Bella that, though she wanted desperately to become one of the undead, he’d rather she die than become totally hot and immortal.  True dat.  Good God, bite her already.

 Tee and I have a fun time bantering on this subject on a semi-frequent basis.  Now, lucky for us we’re not fahreeks…we crazy-pants, fo sho, but in a totally different realm.  We know that this is all in good fun, no one gets all emo or decides it’s time to take it outside, even if one of us passionately counts him as a fav romantical leading man (can you guess who?).  Iz okay to poke fun…we laugh and agree even as we disagree.  Then we laugh some more!  Inspired by the HIGH-larious (and I MEAN that) title of her last post, I wanted to set the record straight, as far as I am concerned. 

So lezzz roll: Point #1OMG, Edward, follows Bella, like, everywhere.

OK, let’s dissect this, shall we?  Yes, he does, he watches her sleep, he sings her songs, he follows her when she goes to outings with her girlfriends (where he saves her from real creeps, ahem).  However, let’s all remember…this girl is more accident prone than I am.  (Side story alert: Most of you don’t know me, but just ask MFEO about that one time when I was pregnant and I took a ride down her stairs on her daughter’s indoor trike thingy – not on purpose…scared her hubby to death!).  So, ok, just being the most accident prone person in the universe isn’t enough.  But here’s the deal-eeo: this is after he already had tried to stay away from her (this most accident prone person in the universe, everrrrrrr) for her own good, and after she was all…”No, dude, don’t go…”.  They are soul mates in a fictional world where this kind of crazy, soul mate, unbearable-like love can exist and where you never get sick of a person, even when they slurp their soup over a decade into your marriage, EVEN when you’ve told them to quit it already.  Wait, what?

OK, as we were.

Point #2:  He breaks her car to control her whereabouts…dude!?!?!?!

Edward takes out some sort of dinglehopper out of her car so she can’t go see Jacob.  Stalker-like?  Perchance.  And this is the closest I’ll ever come to conceding on this point.  However…let’s just say that this was Angela who found out that her homie Bella was going to go see a werewolf, a brand, spankin’ new one who allegedly (according to the standard newbie werewolf norm) doesn’t know how to control his temper yet.  I consider Ang a fictional GF of mine and I think it’s safe for me to hypothesize that she might consider pulling a wire or two.  Hullllooooohhhhh!!!  I mean just look at poor Emily!!!!!  Come on!  It’s not like he’s like, “Bella, I don’t want you to go to the mall.”  It’s like, “Dammit, Bella, do you WANT to get your face ripped off?”

Point #3: OMG, Edward like totally controls Bella, ugh, like uhmahgawd.  It’s like my momma always said: a guy will only go as far as the lady allows…and this doesn’t just apply to playing Parcheezi party people!!!  Men need to be molded and encouraged into the best “them” they can be…they don’t do it by themselves!  (No one call my beloved, he is fully under the impression that he did). 

I am CERTAIN one of these is a prime example of a snafoodle, and that there's a dinglehopper in there somewhere too...

My point, and I do have one, is that if Bella didn’t like it when Edward was saying, “Um, yea, no, you’re not going to go see Jacob,” it was her responsibility to nip it in the bud.

Had my beloved dismantled my snafoodle from my car, I would have LEFT THE WINDOW CLOSED that night…

Had he said, “Um, were you going to ask my permission about something?” (In this scenario my beloved can read minds, ya dig?)  I would have been like, “Um no, I don’t ask for permission from anyone but my dad, but thanks for asking.”

See?

Now, you knew I was going to add at least one more gratuitous pic of Edward and Bella right? And I mean, come on, talk about passion...this is THE kiss.

But, again, let’s get real (as real as I can be in Crazytown)…this is a story about two soul mates that have no “real world” comparison.  This is a story about the love we feel when we first feel it.  A love that continually envelopes your entire being so passionately, that nothing else matters.  It’s not real love, it’s not that deliciously peaceful love that you grow into.  Sigh. 

Now, if you’ll excuse, now that I’ve written this article, I feel a need to go give my beloved a great, big hug, as I’ve been pleasantly reminded that at the end of the day (even if it’s a day when we dine on soup) I always come to realize he is perfectly perfect for me.  Sigh, sigh, sigh.

 
 
 

For better for worse, in sickness and in health, even if you slurp...I do.

 

Dear Jacob Black, Here are Some Wolves I Didn’t Hate

Nightshade by Andrea Cremer

This cover is gorgeous!

Calla Tor has always known her destiny: After graduating from the Mountain School, she’ll be the mate of sexy alpha wolf Ren Laroche and fight with him, side by side, ruling their pack and guarding sacred sites for the Keepers. But when she violates her masters’ laws by saving a beautiful human boy out for a hike, Calla begins to question her fate, her existence, and the very essence of the world she has known. By following her heart, she might lose everything– including her own life. Is forbidden love worth the ultimate sacrifice?

Here’s the scoop:

I have an aversion to wolves and shapeshifters.  Blame it on that obnoxious apeface Jacob Black ( Hate. Him. So. Much.  Especially in Eclipse. )  I’ve even read Shiver and though the story was decent, I had a difficult time because I feel that girls who like wolves basically have a crush on the family dog.  And as much as I like my dog, I wouldn’t want to go there.  Hence, the aversion to wolves.

Nightshade is altogether different because its protagonist, Calla is the wolf.  Not only is she a wolf, she’s an alpha (for those of you not hip to the wolfy-talk, that means she’s the head hauncho of her pack).  She is a fierce, intelligent, gorgeous-but-doesn’t-flaunt-it high school girl who can shift into wolf form at her choosing, destined since birth the be paired with Ren, an arrogant,  sexypants alpha from another pack.  Together they’ll create a new pack and run it together after they have  a sort of wolf-bonding ritual where they marry (at seventeen! But do they count it in dog years?  I don’t know).

But oh the problems are aplenty.  You knew that right?  Because how boring would it be for Calla to be all excited about marrying Ren and for them to run off into the sunset, tails wagging, and live happily ever after?  It would be a snoozefest.  So when Calla is patrolling the woods one morning, she breaks the rules and saves the life of a human boy.  You can’t really blame her. The guy is hot (and yeah, he’s being mauled by a bear).  So she does what any rebel would: she kills the bear and feeds the boy her blood, which magically heals him.  This is a bad idea because of course the cute boy shows up at school on Monday and of course he is totally intrigued and smitten with Calla. Of course!

Shay (aka “the smitten guy”)  is new in town and doesn’t quite get all the weird unspoken rules of the Mountain School and its surrounding areas.  He has no idea that there are distinct groups of people who have certain roles to fulfill and that you never cross those lines.  For years there has been an alliance between the Guardians (the wolves) and the Keepers (the humans who take care of the packs in exchange for protection).  Shay is supposed to stay away from all of them and remain with the humans, blissfully unaware of this surreal world, except he saw Calla shift from wolf to human form when she saved him.  He knows.

One the best parts of this story is Calla.  She is very strong without being obnoxious (take a lesson, Rose from Vampire Academy).  She knows what her duties are and she’s prepared to live up to them.  Inwardly she’s torn between her loyalty to her new pack and her growing attraction to Shay.  Shay is a reminder of all she cannot have because her life has been planned out since before her birth.  Part of her wants that life—the new pack and a new sense of power—but part of her just wants Shay.

And sweet, sexy goodness, there is some serious tension here. First with Ren, who is hotness du jour (and knows it).  In his macho, alpha male way he tries to make it clear that Calla is his woman and even though it sounds totally jerky, it comes off kind of cool.  I mean, it’s not his fault.  It’s his wolf instinct.  Ren and Calla have a great love-hate partnership going on and it oozes with pure animal attraction.

Her relationship with Shay has its moments too.  Shay is admirable because he is willing to risk anything and everything to steal moments with Calla.  And he does.  Part of me kept thinking he was just a glutton for punishment, but the other part thought it was romantic, which would have been nice except that he bugged the living shizz out of me.  His devotion was annoying at times.

For some reason I was more of  a Team Ren girl.  I don’t always like the alpha male, macho characters (guys, my husband refers to his clothing as “outfits”, okay? That doesn’t exactly scream “machismo”.), but I was more taken with him because he seemed to have so many layers underneath that manly man act and ultimately, he cared for Calla just as much as Shay did.

The whole story is well-written and pretty much unputdownable (this IS a word.  I’ve decided).  There is also a mystery— about the relationship between the Guardians and the Keepers, their history and their future—that Calla slowly begins to unravel.  In the end, she has to decide who she can really trust, and I was kept guessing the entire time.

Crush Intensity: 4/5 Good stuff!  The guys are a bit controlling, as are the adults, but Calla is strong enough to follow her own desires.  I enjoyed it enough to care what happens next. The sequel, Wolfsbane, comes out July 26, 2011.

The Way I See It: I’m get all Catherine Hardwicke on you (for the guys, at least).  I recently watched the trailer for Red Riding Hood , which, though it may or may not suck, is looking awfully sexsay.  And hence, I was inspired.

Max Irons as Shay

I once read that Andrea Cremer pictured Max Irons as she was writing Nightshade. As I was searching for images of him online, pictures from Little Red Riding Hood came up (in which he and my next casting choice both star) and I had  stroke of genius.

Shiloh Fernandez as Ren

Ren was a little more difficult for me to cast.  I know what I picture in my head, but I can’t find anyone who personifies that image.  As I watched the trailer for the aforementioned film, I thought Shiloh Fernandez carried off the tough-guy-who-could-be-very-naughty thing pretty well.  It was hard to find a picture of him where he didn’t look stoned or somewhat reminiscent of Joaquin Phoenix, but otherwise I think he’ll do.


Dianna Agron as Calla

Truthfully, I can only picture the girl on the cover of the book as Calla (well! She was always there just staring at me) but as far as real people go, I think Dianna Agron would fit the bill for Calla Tor.

Twilight Tastes Like Milk Chocolate: The case for indulging your obsession with the most hated YA series since…never.

By Vee

If you’re on your computer today, clearly it’s because you need to locate your nearest Target/Walmart/Borders, etc., as you’re in desperate need of your own copy of the Eclipse movie…STAT!

Pffffttt…ok, that’s just silly.  You did that weeeeeeeeeeeeeks ago and wrote the store name, the address, the store hours, and wrote “Eclipse“, with a heart around it, obvs!  So on this much awaited day – this gloriously awaited day – the day the Eclipse movie releases on DVD/Blu Ray, I beg you (as my MFEO has so graciously done) to indulge me as I state my case for my Twi-love.  But before I do, there is one very important distinction I need to make about my Twi-love and what else is out there (cuz it’s scaaaaary)…

I am not a Twi-tard, I am not a Twi-mom.  Am I a mom that likes (ok loves) Twilight?  Yeeee-eh-uh.  Am I kind of a fa-reek (i.e. ‘tard) and also love me some Edward and Bella action?  Fo sho but those are two entirely independent things.  Just ask any of my friends, I was a freak well before Twilight was on my radar.

However, since the loonies came out of the woodwork with the movies (thanks Summit for marketing this to the crazies, thanks so much), I am forced to hide my pretty healthy (all things being relative), slightly obsessive love for this swoony story.  OK, sooo I overlook the fact that Steph clearly lost her thesaurus when she was writing this series (golden eyes, golden eyes, I GET it…he has golden eyes).  Sooooo I skim through the paragraphs when we read about how Edward’s face is the face of an angel and how Bella thinks he’s just SO way better looking than any super model and she just doesn’t get, at all, how someone as beautiful and perfect, and nice, and dreamy, and muscular, and sevehny, and super duper awesomely cool and junk could love her because she’s so plain and SOOOOOO doesn’t belong with him.  (Get some gadnabbed self esteem sistah — love yourself and other will love you!)  Soooo I hate that stupid corn hater, Jacob. (Nothing to add to that…I just hate him, that’s all.)

Bananas, milk, sugar…oh, hey.  I was pretty sure I lost you back there when I started rattling off about Edward’s perfection so I just was checking to see when you’d notice I’d moved on.  Welcome back!  This is my point exactly.  I get it.  I know these books are no Pride and Prejudice (but I mean, what is, come on?).  They’re just fun, party people!  They’re kind of like milk chocolate…dark chocolate is more sophisticated (evidently it’s also better for you, which goes so well with my analogy), but when you’re in your car and you haven’t had lunch yet, and you have exactly 12 minutes before you have to go pick up your kids from school or you won’t get a chance to eat again until dinner which is 3 ½ hours away, you’ll grab that Hershey’s bar and it will taste sooooooooooooooo good, you’ll want to slap yo’ momma.  Yum.

Eclipse= Peanut Buttery Goodness

Twilight, New Moon, Eclipse and Breaking Dawn are like the Costco pack of chocolate bars — not just because they’re a variety pack but because they’ll last you a while.  OK, Twilight is a Hershey’s Bar (like I said, it’s just good when you need a tasty treat), New Moon is a Mounds.  You know: cuz you dig the chocolate (read: Edward’s return), but aren’t a huge fan of the coconut (read: the first third of the book when Bella was just so damn whiny and the last part of the book when she expects the reader to buy that she is totally dreaming – ugh, sooooo annoying).  Eclipse is the preemo Reese’s peanut butter cup (best chocolate everrrrrrrrr — the delicious peanut butter inside is like page 186, yummmm, sevehn, sevehn, sevehn with a side of feathers) and Breaking Dawn is a Twix…it’s yummy, but it’s the Twilight candy with a kooky bunch of details that make you go, “Say what?  Pregnant?  Who da hell?  What da hell?”

SO, sit back, enjoy the chocolate-y goodness and ignore the annoying coconut flavor.  This isn’t meant to replace Moby Dick as the subject of your term paper, people.  It would, however, make a great read after writing (and surviving) said term paper.  It’s like dessert.  Not meant to be taken too seriously or to meet all your daily dietary needs.  That’s what vitamin supplements and encyclopedias are for (just try not to eat the encyclopedia).

So, as you stand in line at your local store, take off the hat and the dark glasses, stand tall and proclaim, this movie is deeeeeeeeeeeelish (but try the book, it’s even better)!

The Twilight Movie: The Bad, The Sad and The Catherine Hardwicke

by Vee

Despite my taking the time and great pains (literally) to get the gadnambed flu shot, my Halloween weekend was spent in my bed, feverish and forlorn.  Seriously, I was miserable. 

 SO, though the fever cleared by Sunday’s eve, my beloved banned me from joining him as he walked the neighborhood with my two little ghouls, lest I succumb once again to whatever bug was ailing me.  I would have fought it, had I WANTED to go walk around for 2-3 hours in the cold but I didn’t.  Plus I kinda dig it when he tries to take charge and tell me what to do when he thinks he’s taking care of me — so long as I agree with what he tells me to do.  So, I helped them get dressed, cracked their neon colored glows sticks, took the prerequisite 100 photos in different poses and sent them off on their journey down the candy highway.  Then I roamed the house like a snot-filled ghost. 

 I tried to read but, yes this is how sick I was, my brain just wasn’t working! 

 Then I channel surfed from station to station only to find a tragic lack of good Halloween entertainment, by which I don’t mean scary movies cuz I hate them.  I am a huge chicken!  Did you know those movies are filled with scary stuff?

 Finding nothing but Teen Mom re-runs (which I’ve seen already including the reunion with Dr. Drew which was hella good), and no good Bravo shows on, my fingers, acting as if of their own accord, very á lá “Thing” from the Adams Family, did the walking to my movie cabinet, snatched up Twilight: The Movie (which makes Twilight the book look damn near excellent), inserted it into my BluRay playah and away we went on our Halloween adventure to Forks.

 Now, let me say this once and be clear forevermore (not to be confused with Evermore, which my MFEO swears is in fact the worst book series evah and loves it due to this fact)….I LOVE my Twilight books, but really, a little writer’s workshop wouldn’t have hurt in this instance.   So from time to time you will hear me rag on the books fo sho…it’s only fair.  And I am nothing if not 100% level headed, 100% of the time…see?  That in itself is 100% true and accurate about me.  I never let emotion get in my way.  (This will only be funny once you read the rest of the article…it’s my way to keep you here so read on, troops.)

Given that the New Moon and Eclipse movies were way less bad, I completely blame Catherine-fareeking-Hardwicke (the director of the first movie) for messing up Twilight and nearly single handedly setting the rest of the movies up for failure (with some hate going to the screenwriter, Melissa Rosenberg and Summit). Luckily my bros Chris Weitz and David Slade came in and, very Mighty Mousily put together some decent movies which my beloved actually says are “pretty good”.   (Yes, my husband will watch these with me.  Come on now, did I not mention he is the love of my life?  He’ll watch Sleepless in Seattle too, if it’s Valentine’s Day or other such sure-to-get-some-action holiday like Wednesday nights).

So in summary: Katherine Hardwicke is the bitch who stole my pads, Melissa Rosenberg her minion. 

 Harsh?  I know.  But ohhhhh, that first movie could have been so much better.  I cringe when Edward does stupid crap like tell Bella he can read the mind of the dude who is thinking about his cat.  Really? 

So, in honor of my fun, post feverish evening, I shall point out the top 10 scariest things in the Twilight movie…and by scariest I mean totally and utterly wrong and horrible…and flat out stupid.

Just one last thing…before I go rag on the movie, let me just share briefly my top 3 “What I Love’s” of the movie.  Why all the lists, you ask?  Because…lists make the world go round in Crazytown.

 1)      The Kiss – Uhhhh…Sevehn.  There’s a reason why the good folks at MTV handed these two the best kiss award two years in a row.  And it’s not because they deliver stellar acceptance speeches, know what I’m sayin?

Oh, sevehn...

2)      Charlie – Hands down best casting and best acting in the entire movie.  Love me some Charlie.

3)      Bella’s Lullaby – Loved it, perfect song choice, and watching Edward play it on the big screen was swoon worthy.

And, with no further ado….voila…after a little love, here’s the hate…

1)      I’ll start with simple and petty issues which in Crazytown translate to complicated and earth-shattering ones.  Where the flippity-flap-jack is the Volvo?  Are you trying to tell me that Emmett’s foot, much less the rest of him, was going to fit in that tuna can?  Damn near broke my heart.  (This is where I show you exactly how level headed and I am.)

2)      Edward’s wardrobe.  Where in the crow is that gadnabbed khaki, wool sweater that I read about?  The sweater that inspired me to get the one at Macy’s as a Christmas present for my beloved?  (Shh…don’t tell him it’s and Edward sweater.)  Where?  Not in the movie.  Nor were any of the other good looking wardrobe choices.  Evidently movie-Edward doesn’t have a sister named Alice who likes to shop, so he has to wear the same stupid ass charcoal pea coat the entire movie.  And I mean, hello, RP is from London (brrr…foggy, cold), so even if you say, “Well Summit had a very small budget”, I say, “Shut UP”.  They could have asked him to bring his own personal coats over the pond for filming if they were so hard up on money…duh.  Do I have to do everything around here?

3)      Let’s touch on the magical moment when Charlie gifts Bella the red truck.  What the shizzle is she doing?  Is that her acting shocked and excited?  Wow.  Well, ok.  This would be the bullet point where I talk about the use of lip biting and scoffing as a form of acting…if there was an Oscar for lip biting , she would have won it. 

4)      Eric.  Really?  Could we have written anyone more annoying?  Perhaps this is true to who Eric would be had he been a more important character in the book.  I was willing to make peace with this except for one itty bitty part…the part where THERE IS NO BEN FOR ANGELA AND SHE HAS TO END UP WITH LAME ASS BASTARD (i.e. LAB) ERIC.  Poor Angela.  Ben was so way better.  A vampire must have eaten him before the movie started.  Evidently those pesky, non-vegetarian bloodsuckers have been hanging out at the docks.  Oh that reminds me…

5)      Could we have NOT had that totally made up dude at the diner where Charlie and Bella eat every night?  You know — the dude who then gets eaten by James and Co. in the totally made up scene at the docks?  Perhaps had that all been skipped,  we would have had some time for more important, and real, scenes from the book…like the blood typing scene which tells us, oh, nothing of much consequence, except perhaps ABOUT BELLA’S TOTALLY WEIRD AVERSION TO THE SMELL OF BLOOD!?!!!  Or perhaps we might have had more time for banter between Bella and Edward instead of what we had: choppy conversations that were just glimpses of what made us fall in love with the book and what made Edward fall in love with Bella (cuz it sure wasn’t her scoffs and lip biting on a regular basis)…

I need me some Bella home cookin'.

6)      Bullet point number 5 clearly takes me into numbah 6.  What the hell are Bella and Charlie doing at a diner?  Is this, once again, another natural consequence of needing to meet that dude from the diner that gets eaten by the vampires – which actually never in fact took place in the book and changed the story line pretty much altogether?  Because the deal is, I was waiting for Bella to show us nurturing side…her ability to take care of herself and others.  Also, I loved the descriptions of her making food.  I wanted to see it.  Where’s the lasagna?

7)      Two words people: Port Angeles.  I already talked about the cat thing, I am not going to upset my presently delicate disposition again on this matter.  Ok, actually I am… further proof of who stole my pads…in the “commentary on” version of the movie, which I chose to view at some point in the past (for research purposes ONLY, and NOT because I wanted to hear the velvety smooth, accented voice of one Mr. Robert Pattinson), Ms. Pad Stealer herself shares that (hold on to your hats ladies and gents) the add-in about the dude with the cat was her last minute idea.  And she didn’t even say it in a form of an apology, she sounded proud.  Really.

8)      The ride home from Port Angeles.  Edward, hey Edward, having some night vision problems now that your entering into your second century of life?  What’s the matter buddy?  Why the crazy eyes?  Oh, wait, it must be the shock you’re feeling due to the fact that the screenwriter skipped the important and revealing convo that is supposed to be taking place right now.  And thanks to the stellar directing by the pad stealer, you instead are riding home back in your previous agro/confused state – though you were just pretty charming and revealing in the restaurant.  Makes sense!!!!!   

9)      Here’s a tip to movie Edward:  When you take your clumsy, accident prone girlfriend for a ride through the forest, the same girlfriend you worried about when she went shopping with her girlfriends in town, don’t climb up ginormous trees and set her loose!  Overlooking the fact that you’re a vampire and not Spiderman (which we’d already established when you told Bella…”What if I’m not the hero…”), if you’re scaling trees with what seem to be your spidey-sticky hands (what the hizzle?), remember that she’s accident prone, my man!  Hulloh?  Bad idea.  Really.  Something to think about.

10)   OK, two more words:  The Meadow.  This was the single most disappointing thing to me…it wasn’t supposed to be SCARY.  WTF people?!!?!!?

Robert is BOTHERED because he got a crap director!!!

  This was the moment when Edward was sharing something special with someone who had made the cut in his life as a trustworthy person…the ONE human he would share this with, not some chick he was trying to scare off.  Had he thought she was going to run away screaming, why would he tell her about – and more importantly SHOW her – the sparkly vampire trick?  He already knew he loved and trusted her and that she loved HIM!  He wasn’t trying to scare her off, he was saying:  “Let’s go to the meadow, so you can see just exactly the kind of good lookin’ I can be” and it turned into, “I am so bothered about my sparkles…whine, whine, whine.  Bothered! “  Ugh.  What a buzz kill, dude.   (BTW, that’s a little Jimmy Fallon shout out…the “bothered” skits rock!) 

 But like I said, I still love me my Twilight.  I could re-play that first kiss (up until the part where he flies in the air and I go, “Huh?”) over and over again ‘til Alice comes back home from the Amazon (read the books people).