Twilight Tastes Like Milk Chocolate: The case for indulging your obsession with the most hated YA series since…never.

By Vee

If you’re on your computer today, clearly it’s because you need to locate your nearest Target/Walmart/Borders, etc., as you’re in desperate need of your own copy of the Eclipse movie…STAT!

Pffffttt…ok, that’s just silly.  You did that weeeeeeeeeeeeeks ago and wrote the store name, the address, the store hours, and wrote “Eclipse“, with a heart around it, obvs!  So on this much awaited day – this gloriously awaited day – the day the Eclipse movie releases on DVD/Blu Ray, I beg you (as my MFEO has so graciously done) to indulge me as I state my case for my Twi-love.  But before I do, there is one very important distinction I need to make about my Twi-love and what else is out there (cuz it’s scaaaaary)…

I am not a Twi-tard, I am not a Twi-mom.  Am I a mom that likes (ok loves) Twilight?  Yeeee-eh-uh.  Am I kind of a fa-reek (i.e. ‘tard) and also love me some Edward and Bella action?  Fo sho but those are two entirely independent things.  Just ask any of my friends, I was a freak well before Twilight was on my radar.

However, since the loonies came out of the woodwork with the movies (thanks Summit for marketing this to the crazies, thanks so much), I am forced to hide my pretty healthy (all things being relative), slightly obsessive love for this swoony story.  OK, sooo I overlook the fact that Steph clearly lost her thesaurus when she was writing this series (golden eyes, golden eyes, I GET it…he has golden eyes).  Sooooo I skim through the paragraphs when we read about how Edward’s face is the face of an angel and how Bella thinks he’s just SO way better looking than any super model and she just doesn’t get, at all, how someone as beautiful and perfect, and nice, and dreamy, and muscular, and sevehny, and super duper awesomely cool and junk could love her because she’s so plain and SOOOOOO doesn’t belong with him.  (Get some gadnabbed self esteem sistah — love yourself and other will love you!)  Soooo I hate that stupid corn hater, Jacob. (Nothing to add to that…I just hate him, that’s all.)

Bananas, milk, sugar…oh, hey.  I was pretty sure I lost you back there when I started rattling off about Edward’s perfection so I just was checking to see when you’d notice I’d moved on.  Welcome back!  This is my point exactly.  I get it.  I know these books are no Pride and Prejudice (but I mean, what is, come on?).  They’re just fun, party people!  They’re kind of like milk chocolate…dark chocolate is more sophisticated (evidently it’s also better for you, which goes so well with my analogy), but when you’re in your car and you haven’t had lunch yet, and you have exactly 12 minutes before you have to go pick up your kids from school or you won’t get a chance to eat again until dinner which is 3 ½ hours away, you’ll grab that Hershey’s bar and it will taste sooooooooooooooo good, you’ll want to slap yo’ momma.  Yum.

Eclipse= Peanut Buttery Goodness

Twilight, New Moon, Eclipse and Breaking Dawn are like the Costco pack of chocolate bars — not just because they’re a variety pack but because they’ll last you a while.  OK, Twilight is a Hershey’s Bar (like I said, it’s just good when you need a tasty treat), New Moon is a Mounds.  You know: cuz you dig the chocolate (read: Edward’s return), but aren’t a huge fan of the coconut (read: the first third of the book when Bella was just so damn whiny and the last part of the book when she expects the reader to buy that she is totally dreaming – ugh, sooooo annoying).  Eclipse is the preemo Reese’s peanut butter cup (best chocolate everrrrrrrrr — the delicious peanut butter inside is like page 186, yummmm, sevehn, sevehn, sevehn with a side of feathers) and Breaking Dawn is a Twix…it’s yummy, but it’s the Twilight candy with a kooky bunch of details that make you go, “Say what?  Pregnant?  Who da hell?  What da hell?”

SO, sit back, enjoy the chocolate-y goodness and ignore the annoying coconut flavor.  This isn’t meant to replace Moby Dick as the subject of your term paper, people.  It would, however, make a great read after writing (and surviving) said term paper.  It’s like dessert.  Not meant to be taken too seriously or to meet all your daily dietary needs.  That’s what vitamin supplements and encyclopedias are for (just try not to eat the encyclopedia).

So, as you stand in line at your local store, take off the hat and the dark glasses, stand tall and proclaim, this movie is deeeeeeeeeeeelish (but try the book, it’s even better)!